Reflections
by Mychand
Summary: Hawke realizes that Caitlin's leaving had a bigger effect on him than he ever imagined.
1. Chapter 1

***I know I have a story that has been sitting unfinished for awhile and I promise to get back to it as soon as possible. In the meantime, here is part one of a short three part story.**

 **Reflections**

 **Part 1 of 3  
**

Hawke opened his eyes and squinted as the sun slowly drifted through the window and woke him. He sat up slowly and looked around. It had been a long night and one he could barely remember. He sat up and managed to drag himself out of bed and into the bathroom where he put on a pair of jeans and washed up before heading down his loft stairs.

He'd barely made it to the bottom when he heard the familiar sound of a helicopter. He plopped down on the couch and waited for his visitor.

"What the hell happened in here?" asked Archangel as he let himself into the cabin.

Hawke sighed. "What do you want Michael?"

"Why do you always think I want something?" he asked sarcastically.

"Because you always do," came a sharp reply. "Why else would you be here?"

"Maybe I just wanted to check up on you," Michael replied as he sat down on the arm of the sofa. "From the looks of this place, my visit is warranted. What the hell happened here?"

Hawke looked around and shrugged. "Just letting off a little steam," he replied matter of fact like.

"Looks more like a lot of steam," said Michael. "I just don't get it."

"What don't you get?" asked Hawke.

"Why you let her go," he replied softly. "It's obviously tearing you apart. How could you just let her walk away?"

"Better than the alternative," Hawke replied as he got up and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator.

"Beer for breakfast?" Michael asked. "That's new for you."

Hawke found the bottle opener and pried open the top before taking a large gulp. "Takes the edge off, I guess," he said softly.

"What's the alternative?"

Hawke stared at him. "Come on Michael, you know the drill. You know my life story," he replied. "She's safer away from me. You can't deny that."

"I'm afraid I can," Michael said as he stood up and walked across the floor. "Do you know where she went?"

Hawke sat the bottle down on the coffee table. "No," he admitted. "I don't."

Michael took a deep breath before continuing. "She's been working for me," he told him.

"What?" asked Hawke. "How could let her do that?"

"She came to me and asked," Michael told him. "She liked what she'd been doing with you and Dom. She wanted to continue. She's a great pilot and was a good cop. She makes a great operative."

Hawke stood up, grabbed the bottle and went back into the kitchen before pouring the beer down the drain. "Why are you telling me this now?" he asked. "Or should I ask, what aren't you telling me Michael?"

"Okay," he replied. "It's the main reason I'm here anyway."

"Go on," Hawke nearly ordered.

"Caitlin was working with one of our new operatives. And well, let's just say he was a bit careless."

"Careless? How?" asked Hawke, nearly afraid of the answer.

"He managed to get them both shot," he said matter of fact like.

"Damn it Michael," Hawked yelled as he grabbed his shirt off the couch and put it on. "Let's go. You can fill me in on the rest on the way."

Hawke nearly tripped over his own feet as he quickly made his way out of the cabin. Michael followed him to the door and watched him walk about ten feet from the porch before stopping cold in his tracks.

Slowly he turned around and stared at the bench that sat in front of the cabin.

She sat very still, looking at him, unsure of what to say. He noticed her arm was in a sling and she looked very pale. Slowly he walked back toward her and sat down on the other end of the bench.

"Are you okay," he asked, looking off into the distance.

"Yeah," she replied. "It's just a flesh wound. Michael insisted I come here and take some time off. He worries too much."

"You look pale," Hawke said as he finally turned and looked at her again.

"I always look pale Hawke," she joked, shooting him a timid smile.

"Well, I'm heading out now," Michael told the two. "Hawke, I assume that it is okay for Caitlin to stay here for a few days?"

"Yeah," he replied softly. "Of course."

With that, Michael headed back down to the dock. Caitlin and Hawke remained silent as they watched him climb into his helicopter and fly away."

Neither said a word for what seemed like an eternity to Caitlin. Finally, the sound of thunder in the distance broke the silence. Hawke looked up at the growing dark clouds in the sky.

"Looks like a storm is rolling in," he finally said. "Let's get inside."

Caitlin stood up and nearly fell forward. Hawke caught her by her good arm and steadied her. "Are you okay?" he asked, worried.

"I'm fine Hawke," she assured him. "You know pain medication makes me a little woozy."

"Yeah," he said softly as put his arm around her shoulders and helped her up the cabin steps and inside.

Once inside, he helped Caitlin settle in on the couch and brought her a blanket to wrap up with.

"I really am fine Hawke," she told him as she surveyed the living room. "What the heck happened in here? Did you have some kind of party?"

"It's nothing," he lied. "And you don't look fine to me. I shouldn't know that pain medicine makes you sick. You've been hurt too many times in this line of work. What in the world were you thinking Caitlin? Why work on your own for Michael? It's too dangerous."

"Hawke, the only other time I've taken pain medicine is when I fell off that horse last summer," she reminded him. "And why do you even care if I work for Michael? It's my business what I do."

Hawke stared at her a moment. He wanted to reply but he was too angry. He was still upset that she had left in the first place and he didn't want to say something he'd regret. Instead, he turned and stormed out of the cabin, slamming the door after him.

Caitlin took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She was too exhausted to even try to think straight as she'd already been through so much over the past few days. She hadn't wanted to come but Michael had insisted and left her no choice if she wanted to continue her employment with him. So, she pulled the covers up over her shoulders and drifted off to sleep.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep but when Caitlin woke she looked around and noticed that Hawke had cleaned up the mess in the living room. She smelled pizza in the oven and saw a glass of ice tea by her side.

Noticing that she was awake, and sitting up, he came and sat down beside her.

"Look Caitlin, I don't want to argue," he admitted. "But we do need to talk about this. How about we eat lunch first though?"

Caitlin sighed. "Sure," she replied softly. "I'm actually pretty hungry. I haven't eaten much lately."


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2 of 3**

Caitlin nibbled on the pizza Hawke had brought her as she watched him plop down in the chair across from her and eat without saying a word. It wasn't unusual for him to be so quiet. She was use to that. But, this time it made her a bit uneasy. He seemed more distant than ever and even though she understood there were issues between them, she hated the feeling.

After they ate, he picked up the dishes and put them in the sink before coming back and joining her on the sofa this time.

"What do you want to discuss Hawke?" she asked softly. "I've moved on. It was obviously that it was time for me to leave."

"Why?" he finally asked.

Caitlin gave him a puzzled look. "Why do you want to know now?" she asked. "You didn't ask when I told you I was leaving. What's different now?"

"I thought you were going back to Texas," he replied.

"So, I didn't," she said sarcastically.

"I was really surprised when Michael told me you were still working for him," Hawke admitted. "Why make it a secret?"

"I never knew it was," she replied, sliding a little further back from him on the sofa. "It's not my fault Michael never told you."

"Why didn't you?" he asked.

"You just let me go," she replied while standing up and moving over to the window. "You didn't ask where I was going or even why I was leaving Hawke. You just let me go."

"What about Dom?" he asked. "You never thought to tell him either."

"Dom knows," she replied, avoiding eye contact with him.

"What?" he asked, his anger growing. "How the hell could he keep that from me?"

"Don't blame Dom," she insisted, her voice rising slightly. "After my engine failure accident you wouldn't let me do anything."

"Dom and I were at fault for that," Hawke told her. "Our carelessness nearly got you killed. I wasn't going to risk that again. I thought Dom felt the same way."

"No, he doesn't buy into your stupid delusions," she said sarcastically. "It was an accident, plain and simple. I wasn't going to quit doing what I love because of it. You shouldn't expect me to either."

"It's not a delusion," he quipped. "It's a fact. Everyone I care about dies."

Caitlin looked around the living room. "Except this time, I didn't," she replied. "I walked away on my own. And that's what is eating at you, isn't it?"

Hawke stared at her. He wanted to walk out and not discuss this any further but he knew there was some truth to her argument.

"I thought you lost confidence in me Hawke," she admitted. "At first it made me lose confidence in myself. But then I got angry. And I'm still angry. I didn't want to come here but Michael didn't give me a choice. The fact that you just let me walk away instead of dealing with the alternative…."

Hawke stared at her. Never before had he felt as though he couldn't control his feelings. Something about her stirred up things in him that he didn't want to admit, even to himself.

"You're right," she stated after what seemed like an eternity for Caitlin.

His comment surprised her. "I am?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," he said after a deep sigh. "This is hard for me Caitlin. But it's why I insisted we talk."


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

Hawke reached over and put his hand on Caitlin's arm causing her to automatically flinch a little and pull away. The pain in his eyes afterwards surprised her.

"Hawke, I….." she started.

"I need to get some air," he replied as he got up and walked out of the cabin, slamming the door behind him.

Caitlin sat still for a few moments, unsure of what she should do. She felt bad for the way she reacted to him but she couldn't help it. It took her a long time but she had closed herself up to him.

Caitlin looked out the window and noticed the wind begin to pick up as the rain once again pounded on the roof of the cabin. She slowly got up and went to the door, finding Hawke sitting under the covered porch.

"I thought you wanted to talk," she said softly. "Please come back in and talk to me."

Hawke stood up and followed her back into the cabin. He closed the door behind him and took a seat at his bar. "I'm not sure there's really anything to talk about now," he told her.

"Why?" she asked. "I know what this is about Hawke. I thought I did the right thing by leaving. You started acting so strange towards me. It took me a long time to realize that it really wasn't about the accident or you not trusting my flying. What I don't get is why everything had to change. How could one little kiss that meant nothing change everything? It was just a kiss Hawke. I didn't walk away that night with any expectations. We've always been friends. I thought we had a mutual trust and that you knew I could take care of myself."

Hawke stared at her. He could see the fire in her eyes as she talked. It was one trait he loved about her; the fact that she was so passionate about her beliefs.

"Prove it," he said coldly.

Caitlin stared back at him. "Prove that I can take care of myself?" she asked. "I think I've already proven that more than once."

Hawke stood up and walked over to her. She stood very still as he got so close to her that they nearly touched nose to nose.

"No," he whispered. "I know you can take care of yourself. That, you've already proven."

"Then what?" she asked softly.

"Prove it didn't mean anything," he replied as he wrapped his arms around her.

"What?" she replied, taken aback by his sudden words and actions.

Hawke looked into her eyes before moving in to kiss her. It started slowly at first and then became more passionate. Caitlin found herself lost in it. She wrapped her free arm around him and allowed him to pull her in even closer while being careful with the arm in the sling.

Then, he released his hold on her and pulled away, sitting down on the couch. Caitlin stood there and stared at him.

"What did that prove?" she asked.

"You tell me," he said in what she felt was a harsh tone.

"What do you want me to say Hawke?" she asked. "Is it fun to play on my emotions like that?"

"I want the truth," he replied. "And you know I would never play on your emotions. You know me better than that. I don't play games with women."

Caitlin took a deep breath and sat down beside him. "Maybe not on purpose," she replied softly, unable to look him in the eyes.

"I need to know the truth Caitlin," he urged.

"Fine! I admit it," she replied. "That kiss meant everything to me. But, I knew it didn't mean the same to you. I figured you regretted it. I thought leaving would be best for both of us. I guess I just hoped that you wouldn't let me go. That you would prove me wrong and that maybe, just maybe it really did mean something to you too."

There it was, out on the table. Caitlin sighed. The old Caitlin would be in tears by now but she had managed to get past that over time. She still loved him. She knew she did but she also knew she had to face the reality that it might never be reciprocal.

Hawke ran his hands through his hair before sinking back into the sofa. "Was that so hard?" he asked. "Now it's my turn. I let you go to protect you. Everyone I love dies Caitlin. I let you go because it did mean something and it scared the hell out of me. But then I got angry. I was mad at myself for letting you leave and mad at you for actually leaving."

Caitlin heard the words but she couldn't quite wrap her mind around them. All these years she had wanted him to say she meant more to him. But, now that he was saying it, she felt herself wanting to run away again.

"Um, I think I need a little air," she said, feeling slightly light headed.

Hawke was silent as he watched her get up and walk out onto the cabin porch. The rain had stopped and Caitlin sat down on the front steps.

He gave her a few minutes alone before heading out and sitting down beside her.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a near whisper, unsure of why she reacted as she did.

"Yeah," she replied sadly.

Hawke moved closer to her and cautiously wrapped his arm around her waist. He was relieved when Caitlin laid her head on his shoulder.

Both were quiet as Hawke looked out at the distant sky. "Looks like another round of storms coming in," he told her. "Let's get inside."

Hawke stood up before helping Caitlin up. He held onto her hand as he led her inside and to the sofa where they both sat a few inches apart.

"Tell me about your wound. How are you?" he asked.

Figuring he was just ready to change the subject, Caitlin pulled her hand out of the sling. "It's fine," she replied. "It's a little sore but honestly Hawke, it's superficial."

"I believe you," he replied as he moved closer to her. "I just wanted to make sure that it won't be a problem."

"Problem?" she asked. "I can't fly for a little while if that's what you mean."

Hawke chuckled slightly. "No, that's not exactly what I had in mind."

Caitlin stared at him as he moved closer to her and pulled her into his arms. "What exactly do you have in mind?" she asked, her heart suddenly beating quickly.

Hawke's leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. "I made a mistake Caitlin," he admitted. "I've been beating myself up over it all these months. I'm not letting you go this time. I love you and I need you."

Caitlin took her sling off and threw it over the side of the sofa before wrapping both arms around Hawke's neck.

"I love you too," she admitted before initiating another kiss.

When Hawke woke up the next morning, the sun had returned and the clouds were gone. He sighed softly and smiled as he pulled Caitlin closer to him.

As she began to stir, he placed a soft kiss on her neck. "Good morning," he said.

Caitlin turned and smiled up at him. "Did last night really happen?" she asked. "Because, that sure felt like a dream."

"You weren't dreaming," he assured her. "It really happened. Any regrets?"

"Not one," she replied before turning around in his arms and kissing him.

 **End**


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